Have you ever had a serious illness? Or been close to someone who has?

Today, on Tiktok, I posted about having long COVID. It was reassuring to hear so many people with similar experiences out there. It made me feel less alone.

That video sat in my drafts all week. It felt too personal and I was scared to share it. Not only because of the potential to have to defend myself against internet trolls, but also because it’s something I’ve struggled with for so long and so privately. It made me feel vulnerable to put myself out there like that–I’ve mostly been sharing random (but hopefully useful?) information and funny things. So, I definitely felt a little out of my element getting personal.

The writing that follows is what I would consider part of my sunset series. As much as I wish to have the sun set on this issue, it may not be up to me. Either way, I feel like it’s good for my soul to get this out there.

In the Fall of 2021, I was determined to make it the “best school year ever.” I literally said those words. Verbatim. I pushed this toxic positivity on my friends who were incredibly nice about it, but knew better. In their minds, they knew that nothing had really changed that much to warrant such an optimistic view of this school year compared to the last few. I thought we were moving towards some version of “normal”, whatever that is, with students returning for in-person instruction. So, I was on a mission to make up for all the years we missed out on.

I pushed myself to stay later, attend as many events as possible, coach cross country running, and volunteer for anything that was relevant to what I was doing. I was so busy that I didn’t see the cracks forming. There were so many strained relationships at the time and my ridiculous optimism didn’t help. Every facet of my life was suffering because of my drive to make it “the best year ever.” Most importantly, the long days were taking a toll on my health. I was being exposed to COVID on a daily basis. Students were informing the school of having COVID and the district conveniently left that information out. (The same thing happened when I let them know about my infection–I was told that “they just got sports back” and didn’t want to make anyone quarantine or isolate.)

After a busy week of traveling for cross country and a STEM event, I voluntarily went to the district office for COVID testing. The results came back with a slight delay, but supposedly I was negative. (A few months later, when another employee went in for testing I was accidentally sent their results. This made me wonder if our information had been switched somehow.) Honestly, I was feeling a little off, a slight sniffle. I have allergies, so this isn’t uncommon for me, but I just felt run down. By Saturday morning, I knew something was wrong. There was a stomach virus going around the elementary school, so I hoped it was as simple as that. I felt nauseated and anxious, like maybe I should start to worry. I took a nap on Saturday morning and had the strangest dream. It was all flashes of color and jumbled patterns. My mind felt different. I could tell something was settling in and it wasn’t good. The sniffles and sneezes got worse, but I still didn’t have a fever. I took several naps for the next few days until I could get in for testing with the county.

On Monday morning, I felt like death. I had a high fever and rigors. I looked around at the other people in line and realized that I was this pallid, shivering mess. So, I was fairly confident this was it. Even though I had managed to avoid catching COVID for almost 2 years, my luck had run out. As most teachers know, planning for an extended absence is its own special circle of hell. It was overwhelming; there was also a meeting with my son’s school that I couldn’t reschedule, so I would just have to try to get through it on Zoom. Within 24 hours, my suspicion would be confirmed. I had COVID.

The next few days, I had most of the classic symptoms: runny nose, sore throat, loss of smell, stomach pain, high fever, and the worst headache of my life (so bad that Tylenol didn’t seem to have an effect). A troubling symptom I had was a burning sensation in my hands and feet, but mostly on the skin of my back. It grew to be so painful I couldn’t even wear a shirt or have anything touch my back. Even so, it just felt like a mild to moderate case.

The school I was working at didn’t have enough substitute teachers, like many of the schools in the area. I was pressured to teach via Zoom while I was sick; I declined because I felt too poorly to do that. I was also pressured to return as quickly as possible; my absence was becoming a burden for the other teachers who had to take my sections. I returned on a Friday, which was a mistake. Standing or walking around made me feel like I was wearing a weighted vest or had something pressing on my chest; I took a lot of breaks to sit down or just catch my breath.

In the following weeks, I continued to decline. I started having trouble getting out of bed. My vision would go black or I’d see spots if I got up too quickly. I remember collapsing in a cold sweat, on the brink of losing consciousness. My brain fog was getting worse. I had trouble speaking and thinking. I was making a lot of mistakes and forgetting things. (To this day, I don’t feel as sharp as I used to be.) I felt hopeless; I debated whether or not to ask my principal for some sort of extended leave. The cough I developed wouldn’t go away. I even ended up coughing up blood, which prompted me to go the hospital. That’s when I realized my COVID infection could be turning into something more serious than a mild case.

To say it was upsetting is an understatement. I never imagined this could happen to me. I was vaccinated; I had an appointment scheduled to go in for the booster before I came down with COVID. I was in good shape. I just happened to be incredibly unlucky, I suppose.

I’m going to pause on this for now, it’s good to remember how it all started and how far I’ve come, but it does bring up some upsetting memories. What about you? Did you get COVID or have any sort of serious illness? Long COVID? Did you know someone who had any of these? What was your experience like?

Thank you for making it this far and reading. Have a good weekend!!